When you Lose yourself

When you Lose yourself

Almost three years ago, after everything I’ve been through, I came one morning in the office and while looking at the pile of papers I have to work on, I suddenly realized a few things. And this is what I exactly wrote;

1. I felt rejected.

2. I enjoyed too much.

3. So many things undone.

4. Time to get serious.

 * I felt rejected in the sense that I’m trying my hard damned best to fit in the world that I do not belong…and literally turned myself to someone that isn’t me.

* I enjoyed too much of a little bit of everything. Enjoyed my life I forgot the real goal, my purpose, and priorities in life. I settled for less. I settled for an instant. Something that is within my reach. Then I ended up with nothing.

As I crossed the path of life,  I have met and interacted with different kinds of people. From short to long relationships. From something just out of my plain curiosity to something I just wanna try, from things I wanna try out of stupidity, or out of pity, to something that has only become a challenge to me.

I didn’t go in a straight line direct to my destination but I went left and right turn, crossed every corner to corners, got tired of the long way, made a U-turn and came back, and returned…and so on, my journey became longer and longer than expected.

* And left so many things undone. I have failed to follow my timetable. I have failed to do what I’m supposed to be done.

I remember my 2011 Birthday with  AG Family while blowing the cake, I whispered these words as my wish;






– as my deep-set priorities. But unfortunately, out of bad-luck or series of wrong decisions, I never fulfill some of them like the way I wanted to be accordingly.

* Time to get serious. Serious in the sense that I should stay away from the things that only challenge me even though I won’t get any benefit from it. Be with the right company.


But I never said, Im that good… (but I’m not bad either), just be with the right people. Enjoy but enjoy with limitations.

End of Blog.

“ You may wake up one day and find you don’t recognize the person you see in the mirror. Or sometimes, it happens gradually, day by day, you can feel yourself growing more distant from who you really are.

You may lose interest in the things you used to love, or you may find yourself utilizing other interests. You may find yourself feeling more fearless than ever before, or all you may want to do is hide away until these feelings pass.

You may want to live on the wild side for a while, going out and partying. Or, you may wish for your blankets to swallow you whole, until you disappear into the darkness.

You may feel as though you can’t fully grasp anything: the thoughts that swirl around in your brain or the emotions that tug at your heart. You may feel like things are fleeting: one second you’re sad, the next you’re super energetic.

You may feel these highs and lows more intensely than ever before. You may feel a little bit crazy, or like you can’t control anything anymore. You might start to wonder why you are the way you are, or why you’re doing the things you do.

And the truth is: you don’t really have a solid answer. You’re simply floating: outside of yourself, above the world, you were once apart of.

You’re here, but you’re not really here anymore. It’s almost as if your body decided to pack up and move on but no one told your mind yet.

Or perhaps it’s the other way around for you. Maybe you’re so tired that you can’t even imagine moving your body, but you can’t shut your mind off.

Or maybe you don’t feel anything at all. Maybe you’re numb, and you’ve gotten used to the idea of numbness. Of not feeling or thinking or doing.

Or maybe you have changed so much that you’re used to this new lifestyle. That newness can be addicting, as can the idea of rebelling against yourself. Leading a new life or pretending to be someone you’re not can really be intoxicating since it allows you to escape. Escape from your issues or run away from the world for a bit.

And who could blame you? Sometimes it’s easier to pretend not to care or put up a wall to block everything out. But deep down, you care too much and feel too deeply.

It’s harder for you because you feel these things so intensely and that pain can be so extreme that it hurts you all the way down to your soul.

You might feel like you don’t know up from down or that you don’t know which way is right. You may feel like time is going to slow or slip away. You might be on an emotional rollercoaster or feel uninspired and unmotivated.

All of this is completely normal. I can’t give you a play-by-play for how your life is going to go from here on out, but what I can say is that things do change and things will get better.

Hang on and take it easy. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re doing the best you can right now.

And that is enough, I promise you.”

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