Drowning myself in grouchiness the whole day for some selfish whims that I couldn’t spill out for the fear that I might be misunderstood because it’s really childish and totally way out of the line for a person on her logical mind, instead I filled my heart the entire day with bad thoughts, tantrums and attitude, not to mention that I’ve created some advance stories in my mind only because I couldn’t utter those words “Wouldnt you want to spend the holidays with me?”- haha! kind of thing.
But come to think of it, when you came to my flat afterward and talked naively and very innocently, talked about the real reason for this urgency, how much you missed me the whole day that you couldn’t stand a day without seeing me, you had to walk right over here just to spend a little more time with me, then I immediately dismissed my bad thoughts, oh well, what’s new? Sorry, RJ haha!
I couldn’t help myself but feel guilty and disgusted about my attitude and all the bad thoughts I weaved the entire day.
I felt bad that I wanted to stop you for a little longer, especially for the long holidays as what we both agreed from the beginning (though I didn’t mention it in words, rather my actions itself shows disappointment but had no guts to tell the exact reason for my sudden change of mood, again!) I know that whenever you see that familiar frown on my face, you know the reason.
How selfish I could be not to completely understand it, and instead of giving you my 100% all-out support, well I actually understand but my bad mood that day clouded my rational mind as I focused entirely giving you cold shoulders and smug faces to comfort me in my tantrums and to appease me in my childishness.
…and when I saw your face, talking & explaining calmly, I realized how self-centered I am of always trying to get what I want regardless of whoever I would step at or whoever will give way in order to give in my to my petty caprices and desires.
Just thinking about it in the first place made me feel like a real jerk.
…and I’m glad I didn’t mention anything. I didn’t make a complete fool of myself. Oh well, at least my reasonable thinking is still intact, haha.