Here it is again, pondering over some suspicious thoughts, entertaining  doubts of the how would be and  what if’s kind of paranoia,  thinking about the worst things that could happen, that might happen, that might go out of the way, unnecessary circumstances that might not be able to handle, doubting every doubtful doubt.

The what if’s like a matter of life and death kind of situation that you wouldn’t be able to turn down, something that you couldn’t take lightly, that you couldn’t say NO, something that might give you an instant change of mind and a change of heart because everything would depend on it, that you would even sacrifice everything even your own happiness because that would be the only possible solution for the problem.

Or what if it is something else? Like you realized that something isn’t really right about this story, that something has to be done to make everything right and you are the only one capable of doing it, like running away from it, rejecting and completely forgetting about it?

Well….it’s difficult to tell, hard to answer, something that you wouldn’t even dare to imagine would kill you instantly even if it is just a dream, something that is not the option because it is really really, as in really devastating and would definitely break you apart in pieces…



I think I’ll just have to  make myself busy when RJ is away, do something significant day after day, be more productive, work hard, throw away all the unnecessary/negative thoughts that might cross my mind and in any way supercede my proper reasoning, (work and personal issues)  coz you know, just one bad thought can ruin the entire day, or a week, live lightly, minimize the grumpiness at work, haha! Sleep longer (as in more!) wake up with a smile on my face, enjoy each day to come, think positive, remove the negative vibes, rest well, do my daily workout, be with friends, communicate often,  and look forward to my Phil vacation. Yaey!

72 days of silence.

Me and my bad attitude – a little bit

Me and my bad attitude – a little bit

Drowning myself in grouchiness the whole day for some selfish whims that I couldn’t spill out for the fear that I might be misunderstood because it’s really childish and totally way out of the line for a person on her logical mind, instead I filled my heart the entire day with bad thoughts, tantrums and attitude, not to mention that I’ve created some advance stories in my mind  only because I couldn’t utter those words “Wouldnt you want to spend the holidays with me?”- haha! kind of thing.

But come to think of it, when you came to my flat afterward and talked naively and very innocently, talked about  the real reason for this urgency, how much you missed me the whole day that you couldn’t stand a day without seeing me, you had to walk right over here just to spend a little more time with me, then I immediately dismissed my bad thoughts, oh well, what’s new? Sorry, RJ haha!

I couldn’t help myself but feel guilty and disgusted about my attitude and all the bad thoughts I weaved the entire day.

I felt bad that I wanted to stop you for a little longer, especially for the long holidays as what we both agreed from the beginning (though I didn’t mention it in words, rather my actions itself shows disappointment  but had no guts to tell the exact reason for my sudden change of mood, again!) I know that whenever you see that familiar frown on my face, you know the reason.

How selfish I could be not to completely understand it, and instead of giving you my 100% all-out support, well I actually understand but my bad mood that day clouded my rational mind as  I focused entirely giving you cold shoulders and smug faces to comfort me in my tantrums and to appease me in my childishness.

…and when I saw your face, talking & explaining calmly, I realized how self-centered I am of always trying to get what I want regardless of whoever I would step at or whoever will give way in order to give in my to my petty caprices and desires.

Just thinking about it in the first place made me feel like a real jerk.

…and I’m glad I didn’t mention anything. I didn’t make a complete fool of myself. Oh well, at least my reasonable thinking is still intact, haha.

My Adventures and misadventures with RJ.

My Adventures and misadventures with RJ.

01.   Friends.

Early 2013- Known this guy for the past 4 years but never in my life I thought that one day, four years later, after being acquainted for so long, I would learn to like this guy…not to mention that this is the person I will soon call my husband.

My idea of him was quite not good since I was fed wrong information about his personality by our common friends.

We used to be in a group eating/ drinking together with some of our common friends and right there and then, I defined him as an alcoholic, loud and irritating, war freak, brutally frank, but funny kind of guy.

During that time, I’ve seen this guy in his worst, a drunk, haggard, dirty and smelly, eats like a pig/dragon, (sorry for the word, my love), sometimes he would look like he has never gone into the shower for days, walking with messy hair,  wrinkled bacon shirt with holes on it, like he has gone out to buy a bottle of vinegar for his mother only then he decided to go see his friends. Straightforward to everyone. Someone who always does the talking, and usually the loudest and the goofiest one in any conversations.

But hey, It’s not something that would make you dislike him, he may sometimes get the nerve off you, Frank, intimidating, irritating, disturbing, annoying and very vulgar, but you know, it’s just something that he is very real, comfortable and at ease with his friends. 

During the entire four years, we happened to talk and chat from time to time and some days I would seek for his advice regarding some of the issues I have dragged myself into and in fairness, he would give me one good piece of serious advice. Though we may differ in most of our point of view and ways, well at least I could still get something useful from him.

Fast Forward!

02.   A little more than friends.

Sometime later, After hibernating for a while, I happened to rekindle my communication with him on a regular basis again. But this time, it was not something you would treasure afterward.

During this time, he was  in the stage of just-recently-recovered-from-a-very-bad-relationship and I was then renewing and trying my best to survive an almost about to fail relationship for the nth time again, (Well actually, I’m only trying my hard- best to save/stay in a relationship that is no longer beneficial to me in all aspects, I just don’t want to waste the time and effort though I’m really fed up!) then we crossed each other’s path. A different him and a different me. No more other friends around. Something happened that I wouldn’t want to elaborate much but it ended questionably as there was no beginning nor an end.

He comes and goes and most of the time pissed me off – that this guy would only come and fool around. In short, it was just one of those yeah, just one-of-those kind of whatever I have around and even worse than that, because this guy has the nerve to name that relationship. It took sometime before we finally lost in touch but continued to remain as good friends, and casual chats from time to time, forgetting what happened in between.

 03.   Lovers

A few months later, after our PH vacation, before the end of the year, I was out with friends (Marriot Hotel) having a couple of drinks when he chatted me again. This time, he gave me the best laugh I ever had in my life for years when he invited me out to spend a night with him in a hotel. Polite as I always am, I do not want to humiliate this guy for telling me that he wants to spend some time with me with all his naive honesty though later apologizing for being frank, I gave this one a good laugh.

Doubtful about his intentions, I reminded him as a joke that he forgot the promise he made before leaving for vacation the previous year.

He invited me for a dinner at his home (not in the hotel, but a home-cooked meal prepared by him) and from there, he gave me a NIKE Airmax rubber shoes as a gift for all the occasions we missed. I was expecting a very aggressive RJ but no, he was not.

We’ve been constant chat mate and running mate for the next few days after that. He would also come from time to time to bring me food at home. A few days later, while we were at his friend’ s house he told me that he would buy me rubber shoes again the next day for my workout. True to his promise he did that, plus some other stuff from Victoria Secret.  Since that day onwards he kept asking when to see me again or if he could see me again the next day even when we are still together, which is very unlikely of him that made me wonder what’ s up with this guy these days? Few more days again he told me he would take me to the salon to fix my hair, and at the same time on the same day, he gave me a paired watch, one for him and one for me.

Still doubtful, I was getting surprised by his recent actions and one night he told me that he has a feelings for me and at the same time he felt bad about the feelings because it might cause him another heartbreak to have someone who will take advantage of him again. I could sense somehow that he is real as he looks at me in a different way this time, like with so much love and affection and would always give in to my whims, but I’m the one who wasn’t that sure about my feelings. I liked him as a friend, and  I’m getting used to being with him most of my afternoons but nothing very serious at that time, but then he showered me with kindness and caring ways.

04.   Today

And the rest is history.

I have seen a different RJ. Thoughtful and caring. Articulate. Educated. Not so reserved/ refined (straightforward) in some ways but tolerable. Would serve you like a Queen. Would do everything for you I would say. Would always please you in any way that he could.  Would always ask to see you. Would always prepare food and drinks for you. Would even do the laundry for you. And yes, would spend money for you.

I don’t know how it happened or what made him love me like that because I do not see anything special in me, but it happened, and we were not able to control everything afterward.

Spending straight six months with him has a lot of adjustments, ups and downs, highs and lows, petty quarrels, but I know this is a one real love,  or  I may  call it a developed love thru the years, four years in the making, but one thing I confidently sure, we love each other.

05.   Future

But of course, you have no hold of where the future might take you, but then if ever, in case there would come a time that you are no longer with me, I would say that you are one of the kindest men I had ever encountered in my whole life.

06.   Conclusion

One thing I have learned in this relationship is that there are really some people out there who would do everything for the person they love. Been in a lot of relationships before but never I did something like this to anyone, to be honest, like how you would take care of me and all my needs every day.

And yeah, in every relationship that we got into, we always had something new and something different to learn and vice versa.

With you, I learned the meaning of selfless love. Something that I have n’t given to anyone. 

And for that, I want to extend my sincerest thanks for everything.

Now and the days to come.


Revised: 2017 up to this date, late 2018

Happily Married for more than a year now. With all the ups and downs, highs and lows, thick and thin, occasional fights and a lot of laughter afterward, I’m happy to say that we are still here! Managed to conquer all the trials we faced and will continue to pass all the ordeals that we have to face- together.



It is worthless to be living in the past. That past won’t ever change how you are today.

Moreover, holding on would never bring you back again to where it was before.

Just like the first time.

You cannot return back the time… and you cannot repeat the same scenarios coz it was long over.

Just keep moving, and keep moving forward.

But do not forget the memories.

Keep in mind that whatever you had that time, good or bad, is a life lesson learned today.

It is worthless to be in pain.

For something that you could no longer repeat.

Time has changed everything, even feelings fade over time.

It is over.

Gone forever…

Just learn to accept, appreciate, and make the most out of what you have today.

This is the reality. No more turning back.

So many things, so little time.

So many things, so little time.

So many things, in so little time. 

A series of misfortunes.

Adventures and Misadventures.

Too much love.

And love lost.

Different people. Different time. Different situation. Same impact.

Couldnt define no more. Couldnt differentiate no more. Couldnt care no more.

It’s like a cycle.

Goes round and round and round, with no beginning and no ending.

What is really wrong with this picture?

Everything is just the same. It’s a process. A method. 

Nothing has ever changed. 

How could you ever tell that it’s different this time?

How could you ever tell that It’s better this time?

The reasons why

The reasons why

For RJ

 “I get it. I’m not good in this lifetime. Hopefully next time.”-I told you once.

Well, yeah…I don’t wanna drown myself in pity because I’m not, but I only have to accept the fact that I’m not that good enough for anyone in this lifetime. It’s just a fact.

And if you ever run away from me, I would not be surprised- really.

I have seen a lot of you who exerted a lot of efforts in proving how much they cared for a woman, and I’ve had them all in different situations. But the fact that not even half of what I received isn’t returned back equally to any one of them.

The reasons I’m no good is that I have this attitude of always wanting to be pampered and the fact that I’ve been with people who pampered me in every little way they could even if I don’t lift a finger. I’m lucky to have those people, I might admit.

A self-centered narcissist. Overly sensitive as you would say. Grouchy.

Very good at provoking someone and pissing them off.

Effortless. I could not serve you like the way you would serve me. In everything.

– From food to laundry, to money, to massage to everything.

As you said, “ You could only prove you love me by serving me like a Queen..”

And honestly, I could see that in you. Everyday.

Waking up early in the morning cooking while doing the laundry at the same time when I’m there, preparing my packed-lunch, early morning or late at night.

If you couldn’t prepare, you would pass by any store to get me a ready one and deliver to my doorstep. EVERYDAY.

I have many times drove your patience off the wall, provoking you, making you mad like hell, pissing you off then laughing afterward,  and yet you never give up.

Sometimes I would ask for something that you have to do right away. If I asked you to come over and bring me something, you wouldn’t worry about the heat and would immediately do as I say so.

And sometimes I wouldn’t even thank you back. –> even criticize the way you do if you did not do it exactly like the way I want you to do it. :(

What you don’t know is that I noticed everything, but often times, I pretend I don’t.

And maybe, because I’m getting very comfortable. I’m now getting the confidence and the assurance that “hey this one loves me so much he wouldn’t complain kind of thing.” – like the others.

So many things I could not return back. I could not offer you anything. I couldn’t even cook for you.

You may not be as perfect as it seems coz sometimes I would consume all the patience that would piss you off, and you would answer back in a mean way that would drive me mad of course, but that is still acceptable at times because I first provoked you.

One way or another, I felt bad that after you moved on completely from a failed relationship that you yourself couldn’t think about without feeling disgusted and ready to start a new one again, but then, you found me, oh well not similar as before but still someone ungrateful like me…smh.

I felt bad really…


Sorry RJ…


I wish I knew what to do with my life, what to do with my heart…I do nothing all day, boredom settles in, I look at the sky so I get to feel even smaller than I already feel and my mind keeps poisoning itself uselessly.

Ouch 2