Quote

The great thing about getting older is that you become more mellow. Things aren’t as black and white, and you become much more tolerant. You can see the good in things much more easily rather than getting enraged as you used to do when you were young.

Maeve Binchy
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…on the road

…on the road

The usual view every morning at 7:30.

The sight of Filipinos waiting for their transportation on every corner.

Few are rushingly walking down the street.

People on headsets patiently standing on the slightly early morning heat. –> It’s still summer.

Well, this is just an ordinary view every morning on a weekday.

And this is what Filipinos working abroad are doing. To rush every single morning to work and go home at night.

Actually, there isn’t much of a recreation, everything and every day is work, work work! We are like living in a fast paced environment, that we have to run every day to get there. Some people may think that we are having the best time of our lives living abroad, that we have everything and we certainly living independently without stress, partying every single night, drinking here there and everywhere, and spending like there is no tomorrow.

But that’s what they thought. That’s their vision that is very different from reality.

When you are living abroad, you spend most of the days at work and most of the nights at home, (we prefer resting rather than going out, oh well at this time of my life as I’ve already passed over the partying phase) It’s a routine. To wake up every single day prepare for work, wait for the afternoon, go home, prepare for dinner and rest. The same goes on for the next day and the next-next days.

We hardly go out as we would want to spend our free time at home rather than going out plus the probability of spending more than what you can afford. We would rather save the money than spend it recklessly over some not so important things  –> not to mention that some of us don’t get much of a compensation. more likely, overwork and underpaid.

This is the typical life here. And I’m really proud to those people who can endure the hardships of living abroad.

Face your fear

Face your fear

Whatever it is, you have to face your fear.

Do the thing that scares you!

Now, I have to do that myself…

I really have to start trying opening the easy open can of sodas by myself,  without asking for anyone’s help…(I felt bad for the people who always open the cans for me, hahaha!)

I really gotta go away from my can-openers!

Lol.

SCREEN DOOR

SCREEN DOOR

My mistake. Just when I thought while looking at the screen door watching the rain outside that I finally get the security and the stability I have always been looking for.

Two similar scenarios of the same pattern have happened and I passed them all with flying colors so I just thought that by this time, I have already established a concrete foundation.

I’m on the lazy mode. As if, I know that I’m halfway there. Or rather,  I would say, I’m almost on the winning side. I have the ACE with me, the King, the Queen. If I’m on the race track, I’m a few miles ahead of everyone already. Sort of a sure win. Only a few errors might come.

The previous year was quite shaky, not much of effort done, to be honest, nope, not an effort actually but I was overconfident that time  I wasn’t able to handle/ control things in a proper way.  

The following year, was an eye opener for all of us. And as far as I assumed that everything is gonna be alright this time since I have passed the storm during the previous year, it will never happen again. If ever there is, only slight problems that would be easy to fix. I became more cautious, more sensitive, more open and more vocal about everything. 

That’s what I thought while staring outside looking at the raindrops. I’m very much confident that nothing will ever come against my way that I wouldn’t be able to manage.

But I was wrong. Everything went wrong,  yes, everything went wrong again not because I still have shortcomings. Everything went wrong because no matter how hard you try to save the relationship, it will not work if someone is not willing to defy odds. It’s gonna be useless.

It went wrong because it is already wrong from the beginning. You cannot teach an old dog new tricks. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, it will never work because it was never meant to be. 

And if you don’t cut it right now, it will continuously happen. You have to put an end to it. It’s about time to stop.

The feeling that you don’t wanna deal with the same shit over and over again anymore.

Tired. Fed up. Disgusted. You want to throw it up. Spit them away.

The time to throw them out of your life, for good.

Chocolatey experience.

Chocolatey experience.

How many times I have proved that chocolate is one of the best stress relievers.

Not only stress reliever but antidepressant slash anti-sadness slash pain-killer slash memory-eraser etc etc.

But the best experience I ever had with a bar of chocolate was on Sept of 2013. I recently came from my annual vacation, and I was having a hard time adjusting to a new work-place not to mention I was currently going through a rough phase in my life that time(the most hated days of my life) with the feeling of being alone. Well, I actually detached myself from the outside world because I just want to have some alone time to contemplate.

And that week-long-agony turned to be the worst days of entire life!

I couldn’t concentrate at work at all,  the effects of a recent heartbreak and the feeling that I have a fever my whole body is always on fire. I’ve had it all. Worse feeling ever, so hot, so heavy, so lonely, so damned hurtful all in one, I could not even cry anymore.

The exact meaning of “Heaven and earth has fallen on you!” EXACTLY!

I felt a huge pain in my heart but strangely, I couldn’t even drop a tear. I was like a robot or a battery operated toy who walks around and do things by pushing the on and off button.

Then one morning, I was on my seat, opposite my colleague Lanie, my angel that time because I used to confide everything that happened that time and she used to comfort me in her own little ways, and I know I literally turned myself as a complete pain in the ass at work because I couldn’t hardly concentrate,  I’m inefficient and useless as I have this moment of staring blankly nowhere.

She brought me a bar of chocolate. Although I couldn’t eat properly at that time, my food was just laying on my table untouched. I was even leaving my mobile phone in the house on purpose just so not to keep browsing whatever, and while I’m still undecided what to do with my life, how would I start rebuilding my shattered dreams (hahaha!), I was literally left in the air.  Just after my recent long holiday trip to PI, from Baler, to Hongkong to Tagaytay to hotels to resorts to bar hopping to Laguna, I came back to BH devastated from the surprising turn of events.

And worse, I feel like a damp cloth, a trash, a doormat, hahaha!

While sitting on my desk, and everyone is busy at work, I’m also busy with my daydreaming/contemplating and a heavy heart, Lanie told me to eat a bar of chocolate to lighten up my feeling.

Then I opened the bar and started to bite. You wouldn’t believe I actually felt relieved. I swear, it felt like a thorn was actually removed from my chest and though I didn’t say I got completely recovered in a second, it still gave me an uplifting spirit to smile that day.

So I could say chocolate is the best stress reliever!

I’ve had that based on my experience.

Reminder from the past

Reminder from the past

I suddenly remember one person from the past. And though I regret some of the things that happened, and the reality that I couldn’t return back any of them or re-edit whatsoever, because that was me, the real me, my real attitude towards anyone, since the beginning.

Sad to say, I still have the same attitude up to now. A little.

I just kinda mastered the “Art of ignoring”. Sorry. I can completely ignore any person as if they are not existing. –> if I started to dislike them, but of course, with reason. But I’m not so snub, I would rather be mum, that’s my form of detachment, to kill them with silence.

Connected to: “If I start to dislike any person, everything they say and does  simply irritates me.”

But I can be the best person/friend/sister/confidante/partner to those who deserved.

This reminds me how giving cold treatment to someone for three straight months destroyed everything.

I regret everything that happened during the flashbacks. But I guess my carelessness and insensitivity and pride made me did that.

I can be a great friend/partner with anyone for a long period of time, but then, when the relationship/friendship starts to fall, I could easily forget them/ignore them on purpose as if they were never a part of my life. That’s the disadvantage. 

I have been friends with few people for years- ups and downs/high and lows- spilled my heart out as in everything about me, but once I felt betrayed by them, I could easily get rid off them for life. Yeah, it happened to one good friend, one good partner, and some few others. I’ve lost them. 

I’ve lost someone in a span of three months when I stopped talking to him, I never gave him the face even when he is right there every day of my life, I have treated him like a rug, thrown somewhere with no use of all. Not exactly, I just thought that maybe everything will return to normal in time, or maybe I was already tired and fed up, or maybe I want something different, I didn’t notice that the silence treatment started to develop a much more complicated issue like bottled anger and resentment. The foundation we have built for years fell apart in just a few months of cold treatment and silence.  I never talked to him since after.

But then, as I look back to what happened, maybe that was still the right thing to do, or maybe that was really the end, that was bound to happen anyway, that’s what’s written in our destiny, and if it didn’t happen, then I wouldn’t be the same person as I am right now.